the trouble continues

I'm too depressed. Been too depressed for too long. 

Just can't seem to shake the urge to end everything. It's been a real struggle for the last year . . . esp the last 6 months.

I spent election night in the emergency room of a local hospital, certain that if I couldn't get a solid night's sleep that I would have to end my life. Ironic that I was kept awake all night as we went through the trouble of having me admitted to the hospital . . . the whole hospitalization thing felt completely pointless. 

I still feel like I'm just a short trip away from ending everything . . . the lonliness & pain that I feel are overwhelming . . . 

And then there's looking at the entries on her blog . . . and the way that people talk about me there . . . 

Apparently, I'm a completely selfish pig that is only interested in sex with men and I do not care about her . . . 

Never mind that I've been completely faithful . . . never mind that I constantly kill any desire in me to have any kind of affection from anyone . . . 

I read what is written there, and I see myself as a terrible person . . . and I don't want to be around anymore. 

Here I am with no friends (my attempts at just having friends have been squelched . . . feels like she wants me sitting here all the time) . . . with no real significant human contact . . . I'm supposed to be happy and grateful to live like this, while all the commentators on her blog write about me like I'm a selfish pig -- and they're not corrected . . . 

I really am hurting and I'm tired of the lonliness . . . will there ever be enough pennance?

I Still Can't Quite Figure It All Out

Well, wasn't that last post a happy one? 

I've been trying to deal with my depression for some time now. Some days are better than others. 

Last Tuesday was an exceptionally dark day. It was tough to get through, but I did (yippie.). 

Thank you Shannon & JJ for the kind words. You really did help.

You're both right in that I need to find some peace for myself inspite of the ill-will of others. I just don't really know how to go about that anymore. 

Stay tuned . . . maybe I'll actually go about the business of getting my act together. 

Goodbye

I've grown weary over the last year or so . . . of everything. 

I am tired of the lonliness. The friendships that were forming are a thing of the distant past. It became clear that it was not okay for me to have any gay friends. 

It seems that I'm supposed to be okay with being gay, so long as I always live and act as though I'm straight. 

I have no one to talk to . . . even talking with my therapist seems rather meaningless and pointless. 

Although I've never acted on any of my same-sex attractions, I feel that there is no peace or forgiveness for me . . . for being gay . . . for having lied to my wife . . . for having made my life one big lie after another. 

I've tried talking to local clergy . . . not in my own denomination, but clergy from more "open and affirming" denominations. All they want to do is engage in intellectual conversation regarding the whole situation . . . no one has been willing to tell me that God doesn't really hate me. No words of grace, only meaningless blah-blah-blah. 

The judgmental attitudes all around me are killing me. I've got someone in my congregation unwilling to forgive me for a personal "slight" of their own creating . . . I apologized for something that didn't happen, but is of their own warped creation, and yet cannot get any forgiveness in spite of swallowing my pride and apologizing for something that never happened. What would be my fate if anyone ever found out about my sexuality????

My parents and my family do not even acknowledge my existance. They're aware of the depth of my depression, but I'm okay in their eyes. I cannot handle my depression anymore. 

I feel as though even this forum for my thoughts has been taken from me . . . my anonymity and safety put at risk (and all the accusations of selfishness that came when I voiced my concerns) . . . and so I'm alone. 

I've become a nothing . . . feeling nothing - thinking nothing. I have no hope . . . I have no dreams . . . 

I am not able to continue on like this. The pain  . . . the isolation . . . the meaninglessness of everything is just too much. 

I'm not certain what I'm going to do about it all, but this just cannot continue. 

Just No More (for now, at least)