Loved this quote via Twitter:

I never met an anti-depressant that I didn't need . . .

Nothing Is As Depressing As Being Depressed

It's true!

Depression is its own closed universe ever circling over the same thing.

Depression is boring.

So I thought to myself, "Hey! Sissy! Why don't you DO something to make yourself feel good? Why not go to the grocery and then fix yourself a nice dinner? Be nice to yourself."

Well, fool that I am, I did just that. Bought the makings for fresh chicken tacos - soft shell w/avocado & fresh corn tortillas.

I get in the door, and suddenly have no energy or desire to cook . . . even if it IS for me.

Maybe that might be "SINCE" it is for me. I dunno.

Hate being here by myself.

Maybe I'll head out later for the gay sacrament: Cosmos at the bar (no wafers 'cause we're on a low-carb diet).

Anyhow . . .

Rainy Days and Mondays and Old Movies Always Get Me Down

One of the most difficult parts of being alone is watching movies that I love all by myself.

Tonight, TCM played a favorite of mine: Splendor in the Grass (1961) with Natalie Wood and Warren Beatty. Natalie Wood was so beautiful! If it were possible for a woman to turn a gay man straight, such power would have resided in Natalie Wood in this movie. *sigh*

Of course, such power resides in no woman; and, just to remind us of this fact, a young and handsome Warren Beatty was cast opposite Natalie Wood. *sigh. sigh*

Maybe I didn't so much love Natalie Wood as wish that I could be her . . . hmmm

So, here I sat with an old friend - Splendor in the Grass - and no one with whom to share it. And then came the nostalgia for days long gone when there WAS someone here. Sadness and loneliness and longing all well up within.

And then came the end of the movie with Natalie Wood quoting those lovely words from Wordsworth:

Though nothing can bring back the hour Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower; We will grieve not, rather find Strength in what remains behind;

Wow. Talk about an epiphany.

We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind . . .

On the Choosing of Teams

In response to my mindless rantings about PBS and the Three Tenors, Simcha wrote:

what I dislike, another will like, must I build camps or teams on my side?

Immediately, I was put in mind of one of the most horrible of human experiences - gym class and the choosing of the teams.

Last week, one of my tweeps, waiting for her therapy appointment, posted:

In the waiting room for psychotherapy - almost 10 am - if my therapist is the last to get me its like Im back in gym

If you've ever been the last one standing there, you know pain . . . loneliness . . . shame . . . You know what it's like to be unwanted. And the experience is seared into your very being.

I have no athletic ability - at all. I was last pick - every time.

I don't think that it was being picked last that was so traumatic as it was the look on the team captain's face (as well as the faces of all the others) stuck with me. The groans, the sighs - they are still with me.

And they revisit me each time my own depression comes for an unwelcome visit - the looks on faces, the groans, the loneliness, the oppressive weight of "not being wanted."

And yet each of us - yours truly included - set about the task of selecting our own teams; letting the privileged draw nigh, while casting others aside.

Often, like the psychotherapist who has a propensity for running just a touch late, it is unintentional - there is no ill-will intended. Or it might be some mild-mannered bitching about music (like 3 Tenors) that others might value dearly. But, intended or not, the slight can wound the slighted.

Sitting at the bar the other night (because, after all, what is life without cocktails???), I found myself wanting to "not pick" the talkative guy sitting next to me, as I found his conversation skills "lacking" (nice, huh?!?). Amazingly, minutes later, he was doing the same - complaining about a club he visited (once) catering to a trans-gender crowd (because there were too many trans-gendered people there for his taste).

Are we able to be welcoming people? Can we learn to live and speak and act in a manner that honors others? Is it possible for us to reach out to folks whose conversation, tastes, and interests might NOT resonate with us at first?

Can we be truly human with one another? Can we learn to live in a different manner than we have thus far?

I can't speak for anyone else, but I can learn to notice my propensity to play Team Captain. I can learn to stop myself. I can learn to put into practice the words of Ghandi: "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

et cetera

i love this blog's name

too much to just leave

lying fallow.

separation and

divorce have been real

just about a year.

depressed and weepy?

you bet; but also

finding this is not

the end of the world.

okay with myself

some days. and on others

i simply hold on.

Just Wondering

I'm watching a rebroadcast (for the 10 millionth time) of "The Three Tenors."

I love the music (for the most part); enjoy each of the tenors.

But, does anyone else find hearing the three of them together as annoying as do I?

I mean, really, three vibratos going at differing speeds is just too much for my ears. Remembering the words of Emperor Joseph II to Mozart in "Amadeus," I suggest that there is only so much vibrato that the human ear can hear in one evening.

Am I alone on this?

So, Anne Rice Has Given Up on Christianity, eh?

Apparently, Anne Rice is tired of the Christian church. According to Leonard Pitts of the gazetteonline the word reached the world via Rice's Facebook page.

"Today, I quit being a Christian," her posting read.

Well, bully for Anne Rice (I guess).

Her critique of the Christian Church is pointed but fair. American Christianity, having - sadly - been influenced by the Evangelical movement (truly an oxymoron, but that is fodder for other posts), seems obsessed with what it is against: "anti-gay . . . anti-feminist . . . anti-artificial birth control . . . anti-Democrat . . . anti-secular humanism . . . anti-science . . . anti-life . . . "

Yup. That certainly sounds like Christianity in the US at the beginning of the 21st century.

But is giving up on the Church the answer?

Rice states that her faith in Christ remains - she just cannot continue in the organization. I cannot make that kind of split in my thinking; it's too . . . American - too Evangelical.

I despise everything Rice lists as being wrong with the Church, and I'm certain that I could add plenty more to the list.

I hate hearing anti-intellectual voices being raised in the Church; I hate how suspicions are raised of anyone who actually considers the voices of ALL Biblical scholars - even when their presuppositions are not "the right ones." I hate how bad theology still pushes GLBTQ folk who have grown up in the Church into straight marriages. I hate the conflation of God and country; I hate how the modern culture has been allowed to run rough-shod over the Church - usually at the behest of the Church's leaders! I hate "rock-star" preachers! I hate Christian superstars (another oxymoron)!

I hate it all too much to leave the Church.

Yes, I HATE it all TOO MUCH to leave the Church.

What? Leave it to the wolves? Leave it to the vipers? Leave it to the bigots and the homophobes and the "quiver-fulls" and the Gothard-ists and the Brown Shirt popes and the meddling African bishops? Leave the Church to the very ones set on destroying the Gospel?

I think not.

Those of us most disappointed with the Church MUST stay in the Church - for the sake of the Church, and for the sake of our own faith.

We must stay and proclaim the Gospel - the Good News - not the hate-filled trash that has been shoveled out by these theological charlatans.

We must stay and continually talk about our Founder - remember? that guy who was accused of being a drunk, and a solicitor of prostitutes, and friend of the trashiest of the trash?

We must stay and talk of forgiveness and grace and peace and reconciliation and radical acceptance and radical unity.

We must stay and live out love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control.

And that means that we have to extend forgiveness and grace to all those condemning hypocrites in the Church.

That's their only hope for change.

Before we leave the community of faith, we should ask ourselves "What does God want from me?"

The prophet Micah put it beautifully:

what does the LORD require of you

but to do justice, and to love kindness [or, mercy],
and to walk humbly with your God?"

I choose to stay and proclaim Micah's words to the rest of the community of faith.

the trouble continues

I'm too depressed. Been too depressed for too long. 

Just can't seem to shake the urge to end everything. It's been a real struggle for the last year . . . esp the last 6 months.

I spent election night in the emergency room of a local hospital, certain that if I couldn't get a solid night's sleep that I would have to end my life. Ironic that I was kept awake all night as we went through the trouble of having me admitted to the hospital . . . the whole hospitalization thing felt completely pointless. 

I still feel like I'm just a short trip away from ending everything . . . the lonliness & pain that I feel are overwhelming . . . 

And then there's looking at the entries on her blog . . . and the way that people talk about me there . . . 

Apparently, I'm a completely selfish pig that is only interested in sex with men and I do not care about her . . . 

Never mind that I've been completely faithful . . . never mind that I constantly kill any desire in me to have any kind of affection from anyone . . . 

I read what is written there, and I see myself as a terrible person . . . and I don't want to be around anymore. 

Here I am with no friends (my attempts at just having friends have been squelched . . . feels like she wants me sitting here all the time) . . . with no real significant human contact . . . I'm supposed to be happy and grateful to live like this, while all the commentators on her blog write about me like I'm a selfish pig -- and they're not corrected . . . 

I really am hurting and I'm tired of the lonliness . . . will there ever be enough pennance?

I Still Can't Quite Figure It All Out

Well, wasn't that last post a happy one? 

I've been trying to deal with my depression for some time now. Some days are better than others. 

Last Tuesday was an exceptionally dark day. It was tough to get through, but I did (yippie.). 

Thank you Shannon & JJ for the kind words. You really did help.

You're both right in that I need to find some peace for myself inspite of the ill-will of others. I just don't really know how to go about that anymore. 

Stay tuned . . . maybe I'll actually go about the business of getting my act together. 

Goodbye

I've grown weary over the last year or so . . . of everything. 

I am tired of the lonliness. The friendships that were forming are a thing of the distant past. It became clear that it was not okay for me to have any gay friends. 

It seems that I'm supposed to be okay with being gay, so long as I always live and act as though I'm straight. 

I have no one to talk to . . . even talking with my therapist seems rather meaningless and pointless. 

Although I've never acted on any of my same-sex attractions, I feel that there is no peace or forgiveness for me . . . for being gay . . . for having lied to my wife . . . for having made my life one big lie after another. 

I've tried talking to local clergy . . . not in my own denomination, but clergy from more "open and affirming" denominations. All they want to do is engage in intellectual conversation regarding the whole situation . . . no one has been willing to tell me that God doesn't really hate me. No words of grace, only meaningless blah-blah-blah. 

The judgmental attitudes all around me are killing me. I've got someone in my congregation unwilling to forgive me for a personal "slight" of their own creating . . . I apologized for something that didn't happen, but is of their own warped creation, and yet cannot get any forgiveness in spite of swallowing my pride and apologizing for something that never happened. What would be my fate if anyone ever found out about my sexuality????

My parents and my family do not even acknowledge my existance. They're aware of the depth of my depression, but I'm okay in their eyes. I cannot handle my depression anymore. 

I feel as though even this forum for my thoughts has been taken from me . . . my anonymity and safety put at risk (and all the accusations of selfishness that came when I voiced my concerns) . . . and so I'm alone. 

I've become a nothing . . . feeling nothing - thinking nothing. I have no hope . . . I have no dreams . . . 

I am not able to continue on like this. The pain  . . . the isolation . . . the meaninglessness of everything is just too much. 

I'm not certain what I'm going to do about it all, but this just cannot continue.